There are plenty of stories in circulation that paint Keanu Reeves as an absolute saint, like the one where he drove a woman home once, or that he plays hockey. But he might just earn a spot as an actual saint after this: this morning, Keanu Reeves walked across a lake and healed an injured swan by his touch.
According to eyewitness reports, local parkgoers looked on with distress as a swan with an injured wing struggled to lift itself into the air. Keanu Reeves, whom no one had noticed up until that point due to the fact that he was on the subway, or at Burger King or something, strode confidently across the surface of the pond with an enigmatic, otherworldly aura. Eyewitnesses claim he placed both hands on the swan’s body, and it did not resist or seem the least bit afraid. After a moment, the swan flew away as if it had never been injured at all, and went on to star on the cover of National Geographic’s August issue, titled Look How Great This Fucking Swan Is. Wow, Keanu! We stan a miracle-performing king!
“I dared not look him in the eye, lest I be blinded by the sight of him,” said one spectator, shaking under a police blanket.
Another exclaimed, “Keanu Reeves is amazing! This is just like all the stories about him taking selfies with fans, and buying Sudoku books sometimes! It’s no shock that he may actually be our eternal Lord made flesh—and he flies economy!”
“Remember when he was in Point Break?” Recalls another witness on the scene. “I just feel like a lot of people haven’t seen Point Break. 1991? With Patrick Swayze? From Road House?”
Before leaving the scene, Keanu gifted us with the following words: “Always liked swans.” As he left he kissed a woman’s child, who would grow up to be Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States of America.
Keanu went on to board the subway, ensuring that everyone had a seat before stepping outside of the train car and pushing the train all the way into the city, where he stopped a bank robbery in a very similar fashion to his character federal agent Johnny Utah from the 1991 action thriller Point Break, which is good, and you should see.
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