In Response To Metro Exodus, Steam Sends Its Best Agents To Steal Fortnite

Just eighteen days before its highly anticipated release, post-apocalyptic survival FPS Metro Exodus was removed from Steam, becoming exclusive to the Epic Games storefront. This is something that’s never happened before, and it’s possible that a dangerous new precedent has been set—which is why there’s no way Steam will take this lying down. Valve has already announced their counterattack: they’ve gathered their best agents, and they’re going to steal Fortnite.

“We’re planning a covert operation,” Gabe Newell explains in an exclusive interview. “We could’ve done this at any time, but up until now, I’ve decided to show mercy. ‘Let them keep their stupid little dances’—that’s what I told myself whenever I looked down at Epic Games from atop my Steamy golden throne. But they’ve forced my hand. I’ve called in the best damn operatives PC gaming has to offer, and together, we’re going to steal Fortnite. Epic will never see it coming. You’re not going to publish this, right?”

Gabe introduces us to his rough-and-tumble team of eccentric field agents:

Gabe Newell (“Big G”): The leader. Customer service expert. Game development veteran coming out of retirement for one last job.
Kroner Sandfly (“Trashman”): The muscle. Government experiment gone horribly awry. Survived for months in the mean streets of Philly eating nothing but garbage, such as cheesesteaks and hoagies.
Hazzard42: The brains. Internet hacktivist. Bitcoin billionaire. Only person that knows his real name is his mama. Found on Reddit.
Seasealia Gulf (“Selkie”): The stealth. Former Navy SEAL. Slippery as an actual seal. Able to fit comfortably inside Hazzard’s backpack. Killed Osama.
Agatha Calypso (“Doomsday”): The wild card. Twitch streamer. Sociopath. Can’t be trusted, but goddammit she’s the best at what she does. Whatever that is.
Keith (“Keith”): Also here.

The heist is described to us by Mr. Newell as “daring,” “highly confidential,” and “taking place on February 9th, 2019 between 11pm and 2am Eastern Standard Time.”

Gabe rallies his troops to hype them up for the mission of a lifetime. “Before Metro Exodus sells even a hundred copies on the Epic storefront, I’ve no doubt in my mind that Steam Team Six will be back here at Valve HQ, Fornite in tow. Or at least Unreal Tournament.”