Great news, fellow K-pop stans: Seraphine, the latest League of Legends champion has been released, and she yaaaaaaaas queen slays! Rumors about the adorable new skin magnet first began circling several months ago with the discovery of Seraphine’s Instagram account cataloging her #relatable journey from struggling anxiety-ridden millennial to global superstar. And in a touching homage to the IRL K-pop industry, Riot Games has also pooled together two hundred years of experience to ensure that Seraphine is perfectly tuned to replace the aged and struggling Sona. How cool is that?
“After the success of KDA, we knew that we had to cash in on the simps—I mean, explore new design space,” remarked Greg “Ghostcrawler” Street in his latest press conference. “Sure, we always knew that Seraphine would be a cute anime girl with perky tits. But how could we tie her K-pop star persona into the larger story of Runeterra? Easy: she’s still a K-pop star. Killed it. And just like a real K-pop star, her debut will coincide with the graduation of an aging and unpopular idol whom she outclasses in every way. A few months from now, we want fans to be saying ‘Sona? Is she still in the game?’”
Unfortunately for Riot, for every simp, there is an equal and opposite incel, and this segment of the fanbase was quick to fire back with criticisms. “She’s just Sona but better!” tweets PinkBlack, Silver IV Sona main and moderator of r/atheism. “Riot is really getting lazy with their new kit design. Why would I want to help my team if I’m playing a control mage? That’s dumb. Never thought I would miss CertainlyT. #WomenShouldntTalk!”
PinkBlack goes on to make several other criticisms of Seraphine, including her appearance, her animations, her singing voice, her tonal inconsistency, her shocking willingness to torment a forgotten race of crystalline beings by channeling their cries of pain into magical song, and her hairstyle. All in all, it’s exactly what you’d expect from a K-pop debut. Riot is really nailing it so far!
“We have a long list of champions that we’d love to rework, but we wouldn’t want to disappoint veteran players by actually removing their favorite champions from the game,” clarifies Ghostcrawler while staring thoughtfully at a picture of Vi. “People are still complaining about Mafia Graves. So for champions like Sona, who are old and busted and impossible to balance but not quite awful enough to warrant a full rework, we’re perfectly happy just rendering them totally obsolete. Remember Vi? Camille sure doesn’t. Those champions can just fade into obscurity, alone and forgotten, wasting away until they find respite from their private hell at the bottom of a tall glass of whiskey. After all, that’s the K-pop way!”
Both Sona and Seraphine could not be reached for comment, as they are not real.