Okay, listen up everybody! I’m writing this post due to the numerous complaints about my punctuality. I know I’m showing up past my clock-in time again for the twelfth time this month, but this is totally not my fault. I’m still optimizing the best route to take to work, and goddamn civil engineers did not place those traffic lights with speedrunning in mind.
I thought I had a winning strategy when I discovered Red Light Skip, but the ongoing lawsuit from when I tried to clip through that Buick shows that this is not a viable strategy. Also, I can’t find a way to skip the cutscene where the police pull you over for running the light.
To address the question of why I don’t just leave earlier for work, are you aware of how much time I would waste with that strat? Sure, Kevin from accounting wakes up early to get a workout in, spend precious bonding time with his wife and kids, and still shows up ten minutes early. But that shit takes him over an hour on every run! Meanwhile, from the moment I get out of bed five minutes before the workday starts, my personal best clock-in time is eleven minutes flat!
Sure I’ve been getting complaints about my attendance, but my bosses clearly don’t understand that I’m going for the any% commute. It’s way too difficult to optimize the 100% run, as I always get hung up fulfilling all of the personal hygiene requirements. I don’t have time to complete such trivial tasks. Hell, if I don’t leap out of bed and grab the essential [Car Keys] item quick enough, I will go back to bed and restart the run.
I don’t know why HR keeps bringing me in to talk about this; there’s no way this company will fire me. I am the best systems analyst that has ever graced this building. If you can find another employee who can cut down work hours half as well as I can, I’d like to see for myself. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to BLJ into the executive office to get the promotion event early.