World of Warcraft’s eighth expansion, Shadowlands, was set for an appropriately spooky October release until its unforeseen delays, which set the project back to November 23. Some of WoW’s most dedicated fans, many of whom took the launch week off from work just to play the game, are frustrated to have their plans disrupted, but on the bright side, however, the brainless mooks will have plenty of time to change course and cancel their preorders. Only an idiot would still be excited for Shadowlands when Warcraft II came out all the way back in 1995.
Warcraft II: Tides of Darkness along with its 1996 expansion pack, Beyond the Dark Portal, is the perfect game, dumbass. It expands upon everything fans loved about the original Warcraft without turning into the utter shitshow that was Warcraft III, which introduced zombies and purple elves who don’t even fight alongside the humans. It totally destabilized the central human vs. orc conflict, and while WoW did us a solid at first by bringing us back down to two factions, now every bitch motherfucker off the street wants a piece of the pie. Imagine a world without pandas.
Every day, the still-extremely-active Warcraft community rants and raves about how to improve their favorite game as if this issue hasn’t already been solved. Warcraft II will celebrate its twenty-fifth birthday this year, and these bumbling stooges are still walking around an empty maze looking for loot drops. They’re babbling about “covenants” and “conduits” and “customization”—yeah, fuck off, buddy. The orcs are cornered at Blackrock Spire; train some gryphon riders and get moving.
Who the hell is the Jailer? The First Ones? Tauren? No one cares about your intergalactic cosmic disco war. All I need to know is whether or not you have big pointy tusks sticking out of your lower jaw, and whether you and your filthy unwashed mongrels are standing in the lands that I’ve claimed as rightfully mine. I don’t have time for the fate of the universe, I’m looking out for the fate of Tarren Mill, bitch. These dusty shacks won’t protect themselves.
Admittedly, the fault lies with Blizzard just as much as the players. They crafted the eighth wonder of the world and then spent two decades trying and failing to top it. They charge $15 a month for this. I truly can’t imagine wanting to visit some dopey Shadowlands when Michelangelo’s David is DRM-free for $10 on GOG.com. Read a book, you dull, thick-headed, imbecilic neanderthals, or better yet, play Warcraft II.