Alright, here’s the deal: Fortnite was an easy target. I was a little bit naive, and whenever I see something with a colorful palate, I want to insult it. I want to insult it so bad. I had no problems playing PUBG, or Apex. I even share Minecraft with the same young demographic I make fun of for playing Fortnite. Look, I guess what I’m saying is this: I wouldn’t have called Fortnite gay if I knew 3 million dollars was on the line.
But here I am, reading about this 16-year-old kid who walked away with the big bucks because he practices Fortnite for six hours a day. That’s just a job, Kyle. You got paid 3 million dollars for doing a job. Not even a full-time job, like Elon Musk has; you’re taking home 3 million for working 30 hours a week. Honestly, I still want to call you gay, but I’m worried you’ll read this and it’ll ruin the very slight chance that you’ll throw some cash my way.
There was 16 million up for grabs at the Fortnite World Cup—an event that I previously called the Gay World Cup—and I didn’t even have my ass in a seat to watch the thing in case some of that money leaked out of my monitor somehow. Maybe that’s how Bitcoin works?
Instead I was playing PUBG, a game that my stepdad paid for, both in money and emotional health. He’s not my real dad and my love can’t be bought. And look, when I called it the Gay World Cup, I probably could have come up with something better. I’m looking back, and I can see that now. All you can ask of a person is that they grow. Gaynite? We’ll workshop it. Fort Gay? Is there something there? Like a whole fort full of ‘em? Fort full of the gays? Again, we’ll get back to it later, but I think we’re really on to something here.
Here’s my point: I’m sorry, Fortnite. Take me back. Throw me some cash. You’re a frequently updated, keeping-it-fresh game that appeals to kids and adults alike, and you’re free. That’s all I can really ask for.
And you know what? Roblox is cool as shit too. I’m padding my bets with this one.