I Play CS:GO On Trackpad Because That’s The Only Way I Can Feel Anymore

After, I dunno, 4,000 hours into the game, you’re just looking for anything to make you feel something. Losing, winning, doesn’t matter. You just need something new. The skins you bought at 3,000 hours have lost their luster, you don’t really feel like spouting racial slurs in voice chat, and you’re all out of money for heroin.

That’s where I was. That is, until I started rocking CS:GO on trackpad. What a revelation; it’s like a new game. A categorically worse new game. I’ve messed around with which trackpad to get—I mean, I’ve gotten some really fancy ones, right—but I finally settled on just using a trackpad that I ripped out of an Asus EeeBook from 2013. It’s terrible, and the pain lets me know I’m alive.

I use the trackpad for other stuff, too. Browsing the web? Trackpad. Minecraft with my little brother? Trackpad. Cooking eggs? Trackpad, I use it as a spatula. No exceptions. My life is a living nightmare of bad scroll detection and that thing where the mouse buttons are just one combined click and you can never really figure out where right click stops and left click begins. I haven’t touched a woman in years.

But just like everything else, I can already feel the fleeting sensation leaving me. Soon I’ll return to the void—except that I have a plan. On this day, I will devise an input interface so preposterous, so unusable, that I will transcend this mortal plane through the power of inconvenience alone and finally escape the null void of looking at my Steam library and not knowing what game to play.

So now I use my buddy Barry’s keyboard. It has that thing where the enter key is really small. Man, how does he use this thing?

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