I Just Want A Serious, Competitive Game Where I Can Do Whatever I Want And Win Every Time

I bought this game with real money. It should be fun, right? Well, you know what’s fun? Winning, all the time, regardless of whether I’ve spent any time at all learning the game’s mechanics or meta. See this button on my controller? It kicks. I should be able to hit this button forty times, win, and feel a fleeting sense of accomplishment that I can only obtain again by hitting it another forty times. That, to me, is what it is to be a god, which is barely worth sixty dollars.

I should be allowed, nay, I have the right to play a game where I can consistently win, period. I come home from work and play video games to relax, and some loser nerds who spend all day learning setups, practicing combos, or optimizing their decks smash my spiffy little junior funhouse strats into the fucking ground? Some of us have lives and can only play for a couple hours a day, but we deserve to win just as often (all the time, always) as people who make the game their life. If you take a game seriously online, fuck you. You’re making it a lot worse for the rest of us who have put absolutely no thought into the game whatsoever.

I can already hear you losers posting the same old quote: “get good.” Newsflash, inbreds: unlike you, I work three hours a day. Why would I want to work even more, just to get better at some stupid game that I’ll spend ten hours on and give up? After paying sixty dollars, I am entitled to enjoy myself, and for me, that means winning a lot. A hundred percent of the time, forever, no matter what, not even losing once.

To recap: quit blocking all of my attacks and then throwing me when I try the same. Put down your “arcade stick,” use your console’s original controller, and stop using “combos,” you absolute coward. What did you do, read those combos? You read to win? If you really cared about the game, you’d handicap yourself until my weak-ass badminton-style baby’s-first-competitive-workshop-101 strategies could pummel you into the dirt as if I were an actual good player. Because my sixty dollars is worth more than your sixty dollars.

Oh, but if there’s team play involved, I will expect you to be the optimal teammate in every way possible. Learn the fucking game, Keith.