Like many other gamers, we here at Nerfwire were devastated when we heard that Rockstar intended to make Red Dead Redemption 2 a console exclusive release. Seriously, how hard would it have been to make a port for PC? Coding isn’t that difficult, and they’re missing out on a huge gaming demographic here. We wouldn’t pirate it, promise! We weren’t content to accept this situation, so we took it upon ourselves to find a way to bring one of the most celebrated titles of 2018 to our gaming rigs.
In the two years since the game was announced we spent every second (and all of our collective savings) searching for answers. We petitioned Rockstar, we complained on Reddit, and we even took programming courses. Then, when those avenues failed us, we traveled the world in search of wisdom from a higher power.
To our despair, the Gods of Abraham, Mohammed, and Joel Osteen were silent. Penniless and desperate, we screamed into the darkness for guidance, and at long last, the Great Old Ones whispered back.
We did as they commanded, and now they’re proud to present you with their comprehensive guide: how to play Red Dead Redemption 2 on PC in three simple steps!
Step 1: Gather Your Ingredients
- A Silver Blade Blessed by a Pagan Priest
- Mother’s Milk (2 cups)
- King’s Seed (1 tsp)
- The Tears of a Widow (3 oz.)
- The Heart of a Virgin (diced)
- The Tooth of a Righteous Man (powdered)
- Baking Soda (2 tbsp)
Step 2: Complete The Ritual
- Desecrate the grave of a stillborn child on the Winter Solstice.
- Fill the open grave with swamp water
- Mix the ingredients into the water while chanting the phrase “Hail The Keeper Beneath The Waves who answers the call of the faithful!”
- Once the dirt is churned into mud, cut off your ring finger with the pagan blade
- Cast your finger and your blood into the grave cauldron, fall to your knees and cry out, “Volgna-Gath, grant me your boon!
- Season to taste
Step 3: Suffer the Consequences (This one’s tricky!)
In penance for your hubris you will be cast out of our reality and into the Timeless Void, cursed to be devoured and reborn a thousand times in the jaws of Xinlurgash, to suffer the degradations of Mynoghra, and to suckle at the profane teats of Yibb-Tsll. Only then, when your mind and your soul are lost to you, will you learn the secret to playing RDR2 in perfect 4k clarity at 60 fps on your $2,500 gaming rig.
Lastly, if this all seems a bit grim, remember that the alternative is going to Best Buy and getting a PS4.