How To Keep Your Mobile Game Just Horny Enough To Still Be Allowed On The App Store

So you’re finally producing the game of your dreams and releasing it for mobile devices. In a market over-saturated by pornographic ads for generic cash grabs and skinner boxes, it can feel nearly impossible to make your game stand out amongst the detritus. That’s why it’s the perfect time to remember the age-old proverb: if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Here’s how to make your mobile game just horny enough to still be allowed on the app store.

Most official platforms like the Google Play Store and Apple’s App Store don’t allow explicitly sexual content, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have options. There are plenty of ways to make your game—or even just the associated marketing—horny as hell, without breaking any of the terms and conditions.

The first and most important step is to make every character hotter than the hottest person on earth for no real reason—especially the women. Depending on your target audience, it’s possible you don’t even need men in your game at all. In fact, if you want to be extremely clear about your demographic, just make all the men ugly as shit. They’ll get the message.

It’s also vital that you cater to specific kinks and fetishes which aren’t outright sexual on the surface. Maybe there’s a woman who treats the player like shit all the time even when they did nothing wrong. Maybe some of the characters don’t wear shoes. Maybe there are monster girls with fangs or horns or long tongues or cat ears. Maybe there’s a girl who looks like a child but is actually hundreds of years old. We all know what the fuck you’re doing, and you’re going to jail.

As long as you feature scenes that include bathing, nursing an injured character back to health, or delving into a character’s troubled past, you’ll make sure your players are thinking about boning even when no boning takes place. And if you’re in Japan, feel free to have them refer to the player as “master” or some creepy shit like that.

Research done for this article was technically a tax write-off, so keep that in mind when you’re spending that development budget.

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