So, you’re hanging out with your significant other, and they ask if you want to play video games. No problem, right? Wrong: it turns out they are an active liability on any cooperative game you attempt to play. You tried Portal 2, and spent four hours on the first level. You tried Borderlands, and they won’t stop talking to Claptrap. You tried Halo and they wanted to play at a level below Heroic. The following steps will help you remedy your problem or kick that fucker to the curb.
1. Try to help them improve
The first step, before jumping to more drastic measures, is to try to help your partner improve. Show them YouTube guides, buy them Nintendo Power subscriptions, pay for coaching by some burnout. You’re gonna make video games a real chore for them, and they’re gonna like it. If they show no signs of improvement, or outright refuse to spend their Sundays taking a fucking class on Apex Legends, move on to the next step.
2. Send them to a sports psychologist
As League of Legends taught us, sports psychologists are all you need to succeed as a video game player, or esports team. The psychologist can get into your SO’s head, and figure out why they are failing so tremendously to even kill a fucking grunt. They’re the weakest enemies, Becca, for fuck’s sake. But as League of Legends, specifically CLG, taught us, putting a sports psychologist in charge is really dumb and will almost always end in failure.
3. Put video games aside and find other ways to spend quality time together
You aren’t doing this one, so let’s just move on to the last step.
4. Break up with them
This is an issue that will require a lot of sensitivity. You must approach them in a mature, adult way. Resist the urge to call them a fucking noob and dab on them. Whatever you do, do not teabag them—they probably won’t enjoy having your crotch in their face as much as they used to. The best way to start the conversation is to play a co-op game with them one last time, and when they inevitably fuck it up, calmly scream at them that you can’t take this anymore, and very reasonably throw your controller at their TV screen. They will understand.
And just like that, you’re finally free. Join us next week when we’ll be teaching you how to use video games to drown out your newfound loneliness.