Heroin Dealers Transitioning Into Mobile Game Industry At Alarming Rate

Nationwide efforts to quell the opioid epidemic have left numerous innocent heroin dealers with a steadily shrinking consumer base. Luckily, the invisible hand of the market is already fast at work. Many displaced opiate peddlers are finding a new home in an unlikely business: the mobile game industry.

“If I’d known that I could get people hooked on an infinite money-sink using predatory business practices and functionally worthless products, without having the cops on my ass all the time, I’d have become a game dev ages ago,” raves former heroin dispenser Daryl Pinkman. “Holy shit, I can sell this stuff to kids? It is like heroin!”

“Money has always been a passion of mine,” adds Emily Higgins, another freshly transitioned developer. “My hero’s journey has always been about making a shitload of money really fast, and the best type of product is something that your buyer can’t live without. It was either this or health care, but I don’t look good in teal. Anyway, have you ever heard of a skinner box?”

It’s not just dealers that are making the jump to iOS. Many of their customers have swapped pastimes as well. “I’m really glad that I stopped doing heroin and started playing mobile games,” says single mother and deeply saddening presence Linda Blakely. “If I’m destroying my financial prospects on a fleeting high, it should at least be worse.”

“It’s not that I’m addicted,” states recent college dropout Archie Kennedy. “It’s just that whenever one of my eighteen-hour upgrades has finished and it plays that little ding noise, that’s the only time I feel anything anymore. In the meantime, everything is cold and empty. And I would do anything, even hurt my loved ones, to get that feeling back.”

We here at Nerfwire wish to officially condemn both heroin dealing and predatory mobile games, advocating instead for weed and subscription-based MMOs.

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