In a murderous rampage that experts are calling “totally justified,” local game protagonist John Gunman ruthlessly slaughtered hundreds of living human people this past Sunday. We had the opportunity to sit down and speak with Mr. Gunman.
Nerfwire: Mr. Gunman, thanks so much for coming to this interview. You must be tired after taking so many human lives.
John Gunman: Happy to be here.
NW: Let’s get right into it. What drove you to commit such a heroic act?
JG: That’s a long story. I was sneaking onto the island hideout of my arch-nemesis, Saul Evilman, and he had a ton of henchman there, so I killed them all.
NW: Oh, I’m sorry, you were finished?
JG: Yeah, that’s it.
NW: I assume they were attacking you.
JG: Some of them were. I tried to be as stealthy as possible so that I could end their lives before they had the chance. Anyone who spotted me would attack on sight, obviously, forcing me to savagely murder them one by one. After I escaped the compound, I detonated a device that obliterated the entire place, ensuring there was no escape for anyone while also completely eradicating several rare species of bird.
NW: It just sounds like you didn’t have to kill them, though.
JG: See, that’s a common misconception. It’s true that I’m an extremely gifted soldier with years of combat training and experience, and I could’ve subdued each of those guards non-lethally if I so desired. But, y’know.
NW: Of course, I hadn’t considered that.
JG: Few do. Split-second decisions like that make a huge difference out in the field. Plus, most of them were wearing masks, which allowed me to dehumanize them and detach myself emotionally from their suffering.
NW: So, do your hundreds of confirmed kills include Dr. Evilman?
JG: I’m afraid not. As a result of my ironclad moral compass, I had an epiphany that caused me to show Dr. Evilman mercy during our final confrontation. Unfortunately, this allowed him to escape, and it’s a mistake I’ll never make again. He’s probably already setting up a new base on a new island with a new army of faceless goons, each with a name, story, and family. I’m enthusiastic to extinguish the life force of each and every one, painlessly or otherwise, passing their immortal souls onto whatever afterlife may exist. Personally, I’d be pleased to see the bastards burning in hell, suffering torment immeasurable until the end of all things. But there’s probably just nothing. Just darkness forever.
NW: Okay! That’s all the time we have.
John Gunman will be awarded the US Medal of Honor early next month.