Heartbreaking: Annoying Friend’s DnD Character Is Just Like Him, But More

“Yeah, the first red flag was when Chris just named his character fucking Khris,” says Jared Stanhope, shaking his head at a crumpled character sheet. “You can imagine things pretty much devolved from there. This sheet is just what he thinks he would be like if he lived in a fantasy setting. And for reference, in the real world, he works at Crate and Barrel, so you understand why I’m considering never DMing again.”

Disaster struck a local Milwaukee DnD group on Wednesday when its newest addition, Chris Treiger, didn’t quite roleplay a character so much as insert himself verbatim into a fantasy world. Eyewitnesses at the scene described Treiger as “bringing real-world arguments into the game, insisting on speaking in a bad British accent, and trying to vicariously bang Michelle through her character.”

“If there’s anything that I took away from Wednesday, it’s the fact that I’m really, really glad that Chris isn’t a halfling rogue in real life,” says Adam Becker, the group’s paladin. “He was just saying, I dunno, Chris stuff, but with the confidence of someone with 18 charisma. When you roleplay, you’re supposed to escape from real life and live as a new character. Like, I play a paladin in this campaign. In real life, I sell weed. I don’t even pay taxes. Get what I mean? Don’t use my full name in this, by the way.”

Treiger couldn’t be reached for contact, as Crate and Barrel gets really swamped for the beginning of the spring season, so he’s picking up as many shifts as possible. The group is meeting on Friday to discuss ways to remove Chris from the campaign; Michelle believes that a restraining order may kill two birds with one stone.

“Yeah, I’m just trying to figure out the best way to explain to a judge that it wasn’t really me he harassed, but my tiefling warlock Jessika,” says Michelle, looking over several forms. “But I think if I cry, we might just get this done.”

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