Alright, I might catch some flak for this from the liberals, but I have a fact for you: Halo Infinite was released yesterday because I sacrificed a fattened goat to Baal. There, I said it, and I don’t care who hears it. Sometimes, when you really want something, you need to go out and do it yourself, or in this case, appease the Lord of the Flies himself by sacrificing a fattened goat that I raised from a kid.
Look, I loved that goat. I did. There’s no doubt about it. But I was pretty certain that Baal was thirsty for blood, and I wanted to be his bartender for the low price of Halo Infinite multiplayer. I was saddened cutting his cute little billy goat throat, but I got through it by thinking of all the ways the Prince of Darkness would bless me: Oddball, Team Slayer, Capture The Flag—all of these were just one goat murder away.
I can already hear the SJWs typing to me on Twitter, “This was obviously determined weeks ago, your ram slaughter had nothing to do with it. You just killed an animal and burned his flesh on the Altar of Blood for no reason.”
Maybe. Or maybe you’re just too blind to see what’s right in front of you. Halo Infinite. Infinite. There are very few things that are infinite: one of them is Baal’s desire to see violence in the world, and another is his unyielding hunger for goat flesh. It all lines up. If I wasn’t absolutely certain that this would allow me to play the greatest arena shooter of its generation, then I wouldn’t have killed the goat whom I married several years ago.
I know results-based analysis is frowned upon these days, but I just played several games of Halo Infinite weeks before the actual release date. Is this a miracle? No, because miracles aren’t real. Grow up. This was simply the result of an ancient blood magic ritual involving my goat-husband which has enough power to corrupt even the most devoted seer. It’s that simple.
Anyway, Nerfwire gives Halo Infinite’s multiplayer an eight out of ten—it has a little something for everyone!