Fantastic news for intrepid adventurers: with the recent landfall of Hurricane Debbie, the destruction and turmoil has made a perfect parkour path for one Dirk Stonehart, ancient relic collector and perfect chin haver.
“This could not have hit land at any better angle,” Stonehart said, eyeing the perfect path of finger holds, nets, and ropes now sitting before him in the heart of New York City. “According to this 15th century newsletter, John Cabot landed at the Avalon Peninsula and brought eight pieces of cursed gold. Over time, they made their way here to the city, and were placed in the foundations of various buildings. But now… well, gosh! Me and my 9mms are on our way to riches!”
His colleagues have been warily thankful, and wanted to provide their support.
“Certainly they belong in a museum,” said Cecil Rand, Stonehart’s transport and save point. “I’m glad the storm knocked over a building next to a car so he could shimmy up a pipe and move forward. I tried to point out that this destruction certainly ruined hundreds if not thousands of lives, but he responded with a stoic look and cheekbones that… that… what was I saying?”
We are saddened to report that authorities have increased the death toll from Debbie to twenty-nine. However, we are excited to report that the death toll from Stonehart himself has increased to eighty six, as those henchmen were all too expendable and that vine path wouldn’t clear itself.
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