According to Google, Halo is a military science fiction video game and media franchise created by Bungie. The franchise is currently managed and developed by 343 Industries, and owned and published by Xbox Game Studios, a blurb that’s surely enough to base an entire television series around.
“Why would we waste time actually playing the games?” asked head writer and iconoclast Kyle Killen, writer of other single-season smash hits like Awake and Mind Games. “When CBS approached me to produce the new Halo show, at first I thought they were asking me to adapt the Beyoncé song. I said yes, of course, because she’s my queen, but then it turned out it was actually about some space robot who never gets his dick wet once. Some fans reached out to tell me how deep the game’s lore was, but Google claimed that Halo was a military science fiction video game, and then I had to stop myself from researching more because I didn’t want to taint my TV show with any nerd shit that was already established or proven to work. Plus, it was lunchtime.”
The Halo TV series, which is completely immune to criticism since it takes place in a different canon than the games, frequently shows Master Chief without a helmet on, and not once implies that he shits in the suit.
“When I first read the Google blurb on Halo, I got really excited,” said Master Chief’s ass double Pablo Shreiber. “I actually clicked the Wikipedia link, which Kyle Killen told me not to do, but I think I got a good idea of the character and the storyline. I was then told that if I brought any of that characterization into my performance, they would call my brother and have him replace me. I tried to sneak in some of the video game Master Chief anyway, but it was mostly edited out by CBS. The execs kept asking if they could see Master Chief’s helmet, but it was pretty clear that they were actually asking me to do a scene in which I show my circumcised penis.”
CBS, the network famous for treating beloved science fiction properties with reverence, has also teased a season two crossover in which Master Chief fistfights Jean-Luc Picard.
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