Gay Bowser Receives Heartwarming Farewell

Tears were shed at the star-shaped platform in the sky today as plumber and renowned hero Mario Mario said goodbye to his longtime rival, Gay Bowser.

“It’s-a been a long journey,” said Mario, a wistful tear in his eye. “The two of us have-a had our differences over the years, but I’m-a so proud of how far he’s come.”

Gay Bowser rose to prominence in the 1980s due to his attempts to assume command of the Mushroom Kingdom. Since then, he has achieved fame as a kart racer, tennis player, and on-again-off-again kidnapper of Princess Peach. Now, however, he’s in the news cycle for a different reason: coming out of the castle, so to speak.

“Oh! Well, I’ll always treasure our time together,” said Peach. “But he’s changed so much as a person, and I love that he’s finally made peace with this part of his identity.”

It was only last week that Gay Bowser first spoke publicly about his homosexuality as well as his decision to leave the Mushroom Kingdom “for at least a couple of months.” Although his coming out was met with widespread support from his friends and coworkers in the Koopa Troop, Gay Bowser was confident in his decision to move on.

“Huuaaargh! Although I appreciate the love, I feel like I need space to explore this long-repressed side of myself!!” roared Gay Bowser. “I’m moving to Portland! Bwaaa ha ha!!”

Today marked the beginning of his journey of self-discovery. It was a quiet scene on the star-shaped platform: most farewells had already been taken care of, so it was only Mario, with Lakitu serving as a videographer, who still had to say goodbye.

“So long, Mario!!” said Gay Bowser. “Thank you for your companionship, antagonistic though it may have been! And thank you for never making me feel ashamed to be myself!!”

“So long, Gay Bowser,” said Mario, hurling him headfirst directly into a mine.

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