Game Promising To Make You Cum Instantly Actually Does

“I don’t know why I clicked the ad. I’ve seen a thousand just like it. I guess I thought it would be funny? There was something about this one that made it stand out just a little more than the others. As soon as I clicked, I came hard. The tab hadn’t even finished loading.”

Thus reports Jacob Hensen, who is just one among thousands of innocent victims claimed this past weekend by a brutal viral marketing scheme. An online browser game called Erotic Angel Goddess Strike has been making waves across the internet through its use of a radical new advertising technique: scantily clad women.

“The ad promised to make me cum ‘instantly,’” Jacob continues. “I was expecting some pretty boring softcore porn that kind of looked like Kate Upton, but I got way more than I bargained for. Zero to sixty, one click. No idea what caused it. I’m not even into women.”

“Why would I even want to cum instantly? Is that fun for people?” reports Alex Washington, another victim who has been ejaculating constantly for the last four days. “Like, just press a button and get off? You don’t wanna, I don’t know, build up to it? There wasn’t even any porn in the game. Can’t wait to play it again.”

Despite the overtly sexual ad campaign, the game is reportedly a fairly generic tower defense featuring no erotic imagery whatsoever.

“Yeah, I played some of the game after I cleaned myself up,” reports Monique Harrison, who asked to remain anonymous. “It wasn’t too bad. I wish I’d at least had time to get a tissue or something before I dove in, but I guess they did warn me. Between you and me, though? One of the best orgasms of my life.”

“Honestly, the tower defense part is pretty hot,” admits Alex Washington.

The makers of Erotic Angel Goddess Strike report that they are making so much fucking money right now.

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