Today the Chinese Ministry of Culture and Tourism convened to begin banning No Guns No Glory, a game accused of being entirely too badass for Chinese audiences. The hyper-violent gorefest is on the chopping block for being what the CCP calls “blow-your-dick-off awesome.”
“This game was violent, sadistic, and entirely too hardcore for the Chinese market,” said Chinese Minister of Culture and Tourism Luo Shugang. “Typically, I don’t get involved in banning games, but my underlings told me I had to see this one. We usually don’t allow blood, and most of NGNG is bisecting your enemies with a gigantic sword and seeing all of their organs fall out. It’s super fucking cool. I’d say the worst part from a cultural perspective was when the main character, Dick Handler, took a bad guy to the graveyard, made them dig up their grandparents, and then spit on them. Dick then bisects the bad guy and has super graphic gay sex with his lover Miguel, who is the top. Suffice it to say that this game is far too balls-to-the-walls wildin’ for China.”
The developers of No Guts No Glory, Fuck You Entertainment, did not take their banning well.
“We’re making some free DLC just to stick it to the stuffed shirts in Bejing,” said FYE CEO Raylan Yur as he rolled a tight blunt. “Every third line of dialogue will now be ‘Taiwan owns all of mainland China.’ We’re also introducing a time travel component where Dick will travel back to 1949 and fistfight Chairman Mao. Eventually, Mao realizes he’s in love with Dick and abandons his harem of teenage girls for a quiet life in the countryside with him. Then, Dick blows his head off and paints ‘Chinese communism is just state capitalism’ in his blood. The Foo Fighters have agreed to do the soundtrack.”
At the time of writing, Raylan Yur has challenged Xi Jinping to a “fuck off” for “all the marbles,” whatever that means.
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