“Goddammit,” says 22-year-old Tristan Wells. “I should’ve known, goddammit.”
This past weekend, YouTuber HBomberGuy streamed Donkey Kong 64 for fifty-seven straight hours. He used the stream to raise over $340,000 for a charity called Mermaids, an organization dedicated to providing essential services to transgender youth in the UK. Among the donors was Trump supporter and avid conservative Tristan Wells, who donated forty dollars of his own money for the purpose of, in his words, “helping out those poor mermaids.”
“I got scammed,” Tristan tells us. “Trust me, on a better day, no one owns the libs harder than I do, okay? My track record speaks for itself. I’m hitting the YouTube comments of every Stephen Colbert video on the daily. Twitter has banned me for targeted harassment three separate times. My Dad drives a Tesla. I’m awesome.”
We asked Tristan what compelled him to donate in the first place. “I was just sitting there thinking, wow, Alex Jones was right, Mermaids are real. Liberals are just trying to cover up the existence of Atlantis because when it sank it displaced a lot of water and they’ve been using that fact to lie about climate change. When HBomberGuy revealed them on stream, I thought, ‘Well of course we haven’t heard about them from the lying mainstream media. I’ll chip in a couple bucks!’ Anything to help a budding Atlantean civilization find their land legs, right? As long as they’re not taking our jobs.” Tristan goes on to describe himself in the hypothetical circumstance of having been seduced by a mermaid woman.
This simple mix-up may have been avoided had Tristan been tuned in to the stream long enough to see such celebrity guests as Democratic congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, whom Wells describes as “the antichrist.”
“I’m mad at myself more than anything,” he continues. “I’m gonna have to find some soyboy cucklord and pay him back ten times what I got served today. God, I can’t believe I got duped into doing a nice thing.”
When asked how he was planning to cope with being tricked in this way, Wells looked at us dead-on and replied, “I’m gonna say the N-word.”