Local gamer and roommate Derek Schooler is reportedly no longer fun to play Super Smash Bros. Melee with now that he calls it “Smash.” The 22-year-old software developer recently began describing the 2D platform fighter by its second word and is now impossible to enjoy the game with.
“We used to play all the time,” says roommate Don Perkins. “Like, we would play with items on all sorts of maps, and it was so fun. We used to play on Hyrule Temple every day, and I would get a Pokeball and throw it at him, and we would all laugh and have fun. Now he watched two videos on wave-dashing and calls it Smash. He refuses to play any map but Final Destination or Yoshi’s Island, and when we try to turn on items, he talks about how RNG ruins the competitive integrity of the game. Like dude, I’m just trying to smoke this bowl and chill out.”
In the face of this criticism, Schooler was steadfast, refusing to admit any wrongdoing on his part.
“It’s not my fault these guys don’t spend three hours a day practicing their down-smash combos on Fox,” responds former fun guy Schooler. “I got really into the local Smash community. I get absolutely annihilated every time, but I’m thinking I should make good friends with these smelly weirdos and bring them over to the house every two days.”
Schooler’s claw-like, jaundiced hand provided even more testimony to how dedicated he was to the craft of this 20-year-old game. At press time, Schooler had retracted his statements and pressed us not to publish them, lest he 1v1 us Fox Final Destination, no items.