Over the past week, the Fortnite community has been obsessively theorizing over the true purpose of a mysterious purple cube that has appeared in-game. Many have tried shooting it, glitching into it, or mindlessly following it while letting their whole team die, but none have searched more thoroughly than Fortnite developer Brian “The Lore Guy” Krikowski, who has been officially tasked to “figure out this whole purple cube thing by lunch, okay?”
“The purple cube? Oh, yeah, we have no idea how that got in there,” remarked programming lead Steve “The Code Guy” Polge. “Ever tried to make a game? Sometimes purple cubes show up. Now it makes shit float. Who cares? That’s what Brian’s for: to retcon the shit out of this thing.”
“This is a cry for help. I have no idea what I’m doing,” tweeted Brian yesterday morning after another sleepless night. “I’m usually fine just bullshitting and making shotguns. But this time there’s a cube and everyone just expects me to tell them what’s going on and I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO MAKING MORE GUNS ISN’T HELPING.”
Unlike most other modern studios, Epic Games has no dedicated writers or narrative designers. All story decisions are made entirely by picking suggestions out of a hat, and then retroactively justified by Brian, who was originally hired off of an unrelated Craigslist ad. This unconventional approach was put into practice and perfected during the week where every person on the planet was playing PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds, resulting in the game we all know and love today.
“Well, of course John Wick and Thanos are canon. I mean, why not, right? That’s what the hat said,” Polge stated after cornering us outside the Epic Games offices. “Man, that was a good movie. Either one. Doesn’t matter. Anyways, Brian’ll come up with a reason for it! Always does. Every idea he had was great, except that one about the ranked matchmaking systems. Could you imagine?”
Brian, reportedly eighty-seven hours into a sleepless neurosis, was later heard ranting to a nearby lamppost, “I’ll JJ Abrams it, I’ll JJ Abrams the shit out of it. Everything is so clear now.” When approached for comment, he screamed something about The Force Awakens and fled, leaving behind only garbled and cryptic notes about the nature of God as a blue-haired whirlwind of death and something called “ligma.”
“I hope he gets better,” remarked Epic Games CEO Tim “The Head Guy” Sweeny, sitting in an office built entirely out of hundred dollar bills and llama fur. “The hat says next week is all about a big green trapezoid. I have so much fucking money.”