“Neil Armstrong wasn’t scared of landing on the moon, so what are you waiting for?”
These stirring words did not come from an inspirational speaker, but in fact came from a commercial for Crypto.com: one of their many commercials in which a celebrity tells you not to be a pussy and spend all of your money on cryptocurrency.
“Christopher Columbus sailed west despite thinking that there were enormous sea monsters who would eat his face,” said Brad Pitt in front of a green screen displaying outer space for some reason. “When Ferdinand Magellan died trying to circumnavigate the earth, he did so knowing he would be advancing humanity. These guys don’t sound like pussies. Are you a pussy? No? Well, why don’t you spend your Burger King paycheck on some fucking Dogecoin? Okay, are we cut? You said I’d be out of here by 1:30.”
Damon follows a wave of superstar actors who have joined the movement to get you to spend all your hard-earned money on invisible currency, something that the celebrities themselves would never invest in, by shaming you into FOMO.
“Look, when Jonas Salk invented the Polio vaccine, he was probably thinking of staking Cardano the entire time,” said CEO of FTX Randy Butterface, who gave us a false name. “I think it’s reasonable to compare humanity’s greatest achievements to spending non-disposable income on crypto and NFTs in an attempt to escape generational poverty. If it wasn’t a sure thing for you to make money, why would I spend millions of dollars on a Super Bowl advertisement to get you to invest? I’m being altruistic, with no ulterior motive, just like Henry Ford when he invented the assembly line, which was brave, by the way. Now are you going to be a little bitch or are you going to throw your life savings into Randy Pitchford’s crypto?”
At press time Matt Damon was trying to find a way to compare Paul Revere’s ride to putting all of your savings into Monero.
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