“Happy to be here,” claims local merchant Arnold Dwyer, phasing into existence from the space between realms as we begin our interview. Arnold has risen in the ranks recently, with the goods peddler being recently promoted to the final boss after you sold him all of that crazy overpowered shit you had.
“I mean, there was no way that someone was going to buy a sword that literally instantly kills the first person you look at when you wake up in the morning,” claimed Dwyer, whose new official title is Arnold, Protector of Saphir’s Ring, Wielder of the Sword of Tarab, Beholder of the Amulet of Targarus, and Reaver of King Goswald’s Soul—all achievements he earned as a direct result of your intervention. “But hey, fifty gold is fifty gold. I just held on to the thing myself, plus this entire chest of comically powerful odds and ends. All of a sudden, they ask me if I want to be the final boss. I couldn’t believe it; I finally have the chance to stick it to that snarky hero.”
“Yeah, I think it’s bullshit,” says previous final boss Karrakog, Consumer of the Universe. “What, he bought all of this stuff for 3,000 gold pieces? I have 3,000 gold pieces. I eat planets made of solid gold like they’re Skittles, and I know what Skittles are because I can see the future when they’re invented. This guy has a thatch hut that some starry-eyed armored douche walks into and he gets to be on the box art? Fuck that.”
Dwyer, wearing a suit of armor forged from 674 steel daggers that you sold him, claims to have absolutely no regrets. “Wife left me because she said I was ‘hoarding,’ but now I have at least 40 of these potions that make me irresistible to women, so who needs the old hag?” Arnold rolls his glowing red eyes, which crackle with immense, barely contained power. “Now, who wants a hundred sweet rolls?”
Dwyer, who had chosen to take the form of a dragon during our interview so as to not seem too intimidating, can’t claim that his promotion to final boss hasn’t changed him. When asked if he would be aiding you by selling any potions or other equipment before your big fight with him, Dwyer replied, “Nah, I’m gonna crush that little fucker into the dirt.”