FDA Approves Headshot You Just Landed On That Punk-Ass Bitch

“Fuck me, you absolutely domed that guy,” announced the Food and Drug Administration after a thorough analysis of the headshot you just landed on some poor Cheeto-fingered motherfucker. “Play the killcam again. Fuck, this one is going straight to human trials.”

FDA representative Ben Nelson goes on to explain, saying, “Look, I know you folks might be thinking there’s something else that we could be doing right now, but we’ve spoken with the lab coats, and we all agree that what the country really needs to heal right now is some sick headshot action. We can’t let this fly under our radar as long as there’s even one lame-ass nerd out there thinking he’s not about to get his shit rocked in 4K.”

“We take the side effects of approving a nasty headshot like this very seriously,” Dr. Allison Grossley says in a much calmer demeanor than her coworker. “If we were to approve a shotgun blast that was obviously haphazardly aimed at the last second, the repercussions could be felt worldwide. We don’t care how lit you were at the moment, this needs to be ‘based af’ as my esteemed colleague Mr. Nelson keeps screaming at me.”

Not everyone is pleased with the FDA’s decision. On Twitter, @VaxxAreHaxx writes, “Of course the FDA would approve this! This is just the government’s way of rigging the system of who gets to be the most PogChamp MLG pro on the dark web. They think we should social distance with sniper rifles, but it’s my God-given right to get up close and pistol whip, and have it be just as badass!”

Experts note that the username of the cringe fuckin’ dweeb who totally ate your ass in that clip was also “VaxxAreHaxx.”

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