It’s almost that time of the year again! E3: the annual video game conference that is desperately clinging to relevance in a time where it could not be less important. Despite all this, one question is on everyone’s minds for this upcoming E3: will the developers of Cyberpunk 2077 commit ritualistic suicide on stage to appease our bloodlust?
“No, I won’t,” lied CD Projekt Red CEO Marcin Iwiński.
Sources close to the Polish CEO make it clear that he was just playing coy and that he intended to fully reveal the end of his life and his organs to the crowd, who will be screaming for more.
“My job is to cut off his head,” said our source who asked us not to reveal that she is Iwiński’s executive assistant, Cindi Kowalska. “He’s going to go up on stage, scream that he has dishonored himself and his craft, and then plunge a dagger into his stomach, slitting his entrails and having them spill out onto the filthy E3 stage. At that point, I scream, ‘Wake the fuck up samurai, we’ve got a game to patch,’ and then chop off his head with a katana in one fell swoop. I’ve been practicing on watermelons at my house. I can’t wait. The fans will go crazy.”
The CDPR section was originally going to be used to outline upcoming DLC and patches for Cyberpunk, but due to unanimous public outcry, it will now feature the Edo Japan-inspired seppuku of a man who did not deliver what he promised.
After the initial seppuku, the other presenter will walk on stage and present the plans that the company has for Cyberpunk. This presenter, CFO Piotr Nielubowicz, has told us that he intends to also juggle Iwiński’s head like a soccer ball and then kick it into the crowd so that someone can take it home as a keepsake, an act that he has also confirmed he is practicing on watermelons at home.
Our sources also suggest that Nintendo will probably present some pussy shit.