ExxonMobil: “We’re Not Polluting, We’re Just Big Into PvE”

The recent heat wave and the disaster in the Gulf of Mexico—in which the ocean itself seemed to catch fire—have stirred a new wave of criticism against the already widely distrusted oil industry. In a press conference held this morning, ExxonMobil spokesperson Jessica Springfield attempted to quell the concerns of environmental activists by stating that ExxonMobil is not “polluting,” they’re just “big into PvE.”

“PvE means ‘player vs. environment,’ for all the boomers out there,” Springfield stated, drawing a brief chuckle from the crowd of reporters. “It’s a perfectly legitimate way to play. For years, PvP elitists have attempted to gatekeep us from our own community, but we remain firm in our commitment to transform the environment of our planet into a hostile, uninhabitable wasteland. We urge you to join us in co-op.”

Though many found the statement puzzling, it does somewhat explain the industry’s decades-long commitment to flooding the atmosphere with greenhouse gases, poisoning freshwater supplies, and destroying vital ecosystems. Lying about it for years and then foisting the responsibility for climate change onto individual households through propaganda may also be their way of getting people into “co-op.”

Though Exxon was not involved in the Gulf of Mexico’s so-called “eye of fire,” the spokesperson did address the subject briefly. “We would like to congratulate our peers at Pemex for setting the fucking ocean on fire, holy fuck. It looked like something out of Pacific Rim, did you see that shit? Cool as hell. The Diablo team even tweeted about it. No, seriously, check their account, they totally did. Like, do you see what we mean about PvE?”

Shortly after the press conference’s conclusion, Exxon was awarded a grant of $2.2 billion by the US government for exceptional community outreach.

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