Elon Musk Releases Patch Notes For New Version Of Earth

In a press release yesterday, Elon Musk released the changes he is planning for Earth in Patch 147.66, which is anticipated to release in the next couple of weeks. “There’s a lot of dirty laundry that we’re airing out in this one,” the release read, “so naturally there’s a number of bug fixes.”

Here are some the fixes and other changes you can expect for the next patch:

  • Napping will no longer erroneously apply fatigue
  • Removed several factors causing Tesla stock to be lower than intended
  • Removed magnets
  • Doomsday Clock will now accelerate linearly rather than acceratingly (this is a nerf, sadly)
  • Authorized Elon Musk to use console commands

There are also several new features to look forward to, including:

  • Email address for God (currently opt-in beta feature only)
  • Added new continent (replaced floating trash pile in Pacific Ocean)
  • Free global satellite-provided internet
  • Service to upload your consciousness to the cloud, killing you instantly (but does it?)

There are also some optional alternate dimensions that Earth citizens can access through the opt-in beta. All alternate dimensions are still in developent; bugs and various apocalypse scenarios should be expected:

  • Alternate dimension where only dogs can hold public office
  • Alternate dimension where no one invented time
  • Alternate dimension where the word “scrunched” doesn’t exist
  • Alternate dimension where no one realized you can print text on both sides of the page
  • Alternate dimension where cultural perceptions of Doritos and caviar are swapped
  • And more to come!

These changes come ahead of the much-anticipated Earth sequel, “Mars”, which is anticipated to release in pre-alpha in early 2019.

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