In 2019, fans of Game of Thrones and Dark Souls alike found something to get excited about. The upcoming Elden Ring promises to combine FromSoftware’s atmospheric action RPG formula with George R. R. Martin’s intricate, plot-rich writing. Nonetheless, fans have largely been left in the dark this past year, with virtually no substantial updates and no release date in sight. Contrary to popular narratives, however, this radio silence is not due to COVID-19, and it’s not because the studio is uncommunicative. The truth is that Elden Ring doesn’t exist. It never did. You made it up. Please stop tweeting about it.
Reportedly, development of Elden Ring began in 2017 following the release of Dark Souls III DLC The Ringed City. But of course, that can’t be true, because if it’s been in development for three years already, why do we know basically nothing about it? It’s because there’s nothing to show, Daniel. Don’t you see how it makes no sense? There’s no such thing as Elden Ring. Please, come back to me. I love you so much.
Hidetaka Miyazaki, FromSoftware company president, claims that he had been a fan of George R. R. Martin’s work and asked the fantasy novelist to build a world for his next game. He has gone on record comparing Martin’s contributions to a “dungeon master’s handbook in a tabletop RPG.” Why can’t you see how ridiculous that is? The minds behind your two favorite fantasy worlds just happen to be collaborating on a huge, breathtaking new project, with George Martin as the dungeon master? And they’ve been planning it for years? The children miss you, Danny, they want their daddy to come home.
Just last night, you retweeted an article titled, “Is this the first in-game screenshot of Elden Ring?” with the caption, “So hype for #EldenRing! @BandaiNamcoUS When are we getting a release date?” It’s unhinged, Daniel. You’re babbling nonsense and cryptic riddles and hashtags and I… I just want the man I married back. Can you do that? Can you bring him back for me?
Get some rest, okay? You’ll see me again on Friday. While I’m gone, please don’t post another TikTok with your predictions about when the next major announcement will be. People are worried about you.