Elden Ring Characters Can Now Tear Their ACL From Dodge Rolling

Just when you thought that Elden Ring, the new gaming sensation/frustration, couldn’t get any more difficult, FromSoftware has patched in the potential for your character to tear their ACL while dodge rolling. Finally: a game that realistically displays the damage that dodge rolling can do to your essential ligaments.

“We are going to work on inputting every possible injury into our game,” said FromSoftware CEO and sadist Hidetaka Miyazaki. “When we designed the game, we wanted to make the armor and weight system as realistic as possible, while also making the gravity/horse/weapon system as far from reality as we could. To balance the injury system more, we are making every character liable to get ACL and MCL tears, broken limbs, appendicitis, and brain cancer. Any or all of these ailments can occur at completely random times. Just hope you don’t develop a severe stomach ulcer while fighting Godry the Godfrey, or whatever dumb shit we named the bosses in the English version.”

Many fans of the Dark Souls successor believe that it is already difficult and in need of tuning down as it is, while others embraced this change, with some members of the r/EldenRing subreddit suggesting that if a player never recovered from a blood cancer that was discovered late in its progression, that they hadn’t even played the game at all.

At press time, Miyazaki was found torturing a rat in a hall closet.

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