Great news, gamers—in a surprise press conference held earlier today, Electronic Arts CEO and Lord of the Bloody Throne Andrew Wilson announced that since every company in the world has now proven themselves capable of unspeakable acts, committing vile and heinous sins day after day simply for the opportunity to squeeze one dollar more out of exhausted consumers, EA would be breaking the mold by… y’know. Not doing that.
“EA has set the bar for corporate morality, and then limboed underneath at every opportunity,” remarked Wilson from atop his Bloody Throne, gently scratching the head of a Pomeranian puppy cradled in his arms. “With every other company following our example, we no longer believe that being sociopathic monsters gives us any sort of competitive advantage. As such, we will strive to differentiate ourselves by not being evil. See this puppy? See how I’m not kicking it, and then using its skin to fashion an exotic fur coat? Could Gabe Newell say the same? I think not.”
Wilson went on to announce upcoming “good versions” of famous EA blunders, including The Sims 4, Star Wars: Battlefront, Spore, Mass Effect: Andromeda, and Anthem. “You’ll find that in addition to being really fun to play, the updated versions of these games feature no microtransactions,” Wilson stated. “We have a team of professional game designers working eight hours a day, for good wages and health benefits, to bring you a constant stream of free updates. We’ve also bought the rights to the Metal Gear series from Konami, and have hired Hideo Kojima to fix Metal Gear: Survive before he resumes his work on the canceled Silent Hills title. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do. That’s the new EA motto.”
Unfortunately for Electronic Arts, this commitment to a pro-consumer business model immediately tanked their stock prices down to a record low. The plunge only stopped after the struggling company was granted a three billion dollar stimulus package by the Federal Reserve, which rerouted the funds from their foreign aid budget. In exchange for this assistance, EA has surrendered Wilson to the authorities—his public execution will be streamed on Twitch at 7:00 AM EST, where it is sure to be very KekW.
In a prepared statement, Federal Reserve chairman and CEO of Valve Gabe Newell noted that while it is not a legal obligation for corporations to be evil, it is expected, and deviation from this expectation could lead to future executions. “In this current social and political climate, morality is a luxury that you—and the American government—simply cannot afford,” Newell stated, idly fingering the lapel of his puppy-skin coat. “I assure you, stamp your boot onto the face of the consumer often enough and they will learn to love the taste of its filthy sole. FIFA 2021 coming soon!”
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