Responding to rampant criticism from leftists and gamers alike, the creators of The Last of Us: Part II issued a statement today announcing their plans to make emergency adjustments to the story. Most notably, the team plans to add a paraplegic black lesbian named Aniyah, who dies almost immediately following her introduction.
“We’re confident that you’ll fall in love with Aniyah in the short time you get to interact with her,” the statement reads, “or you might despise her very existence and interpret her presence in the game as a political agenda. Either way, you won’t have much time to sort out your feelings before this sympathetic and chronically victimized woman meets with a cruel and tragic end, leaving the straight, white, and able-bodied characters to feel really bad about it. You’re welcome.”
Many gamers have heroically review-bombed TLOU2 on Metacritic—where the user score currently stands at 4.4—for its diverse characters, including a transgender Asian boy (Lev) and a bisexual Jewish woman (Dina). Similarly, liberals and leftists have criticized the game for its treatment of these same characters, with Lev being repeatedly subject to deadnaming, misgendering, and violence by the adults in his life. Furthermore, out of the many brutal murders featured in the game, not one of the victims is a billionaire or even a landlord.
“I play games to have fun, not to engage with sociopolitical issues,” claims local gamer Alexander “Dogwhistle88” Bradley. “That’s why I bought a story-based game about a post-pandemic apocalypse rife with violence and destruction. If I wanted to see two female characters from a game in a relationship, I’d look up Pokemon hentai. Instead, I’m being forced to stomach these ladies, whom I don’t even personally find attractive, being romantic in a video game? Aniyah is also black and disabled, which is very unlike myself. Probably something political about that. I’m glad she dies quickly so I don’t have to look at her very long. But let’s be clear: I don’t have anything against gay people. I just find their lifestyle disgusting, and I don’t want even the vaguest mention of them near me and my loved ones, lest the children fall to their corrupting influence.”
In response, local leftist Kelly Duquesne had this to say: “Cool if I go home?”