Doom Eternal Playtesters Just Keep Ripping Each Other’s Heads Off

The highly anticipated Doom Eternal is finally set to release in just two months, and so we visited id Software to get our finger on the pulse. There’s electricity in the air as developers are putting on the finishing touches. However, there’s just one small problem: it seems the playtesting team has hit a speed bump. Testers can’t stop ripping each other’s actual heads off.

One such tester, who claims her name is Kiara Gonzalez, is breathing heavily and splattered head-to-toe in blood. A number of human skulls dangle from her hips and shoulders. “I am triumphant!” she exclaims, brandishing a dull staple remover in one hand and a broken pencil in the other. “The legions of hell are as insects before me! I am God! I… am… eternal!” A coworker dips his head into the room and asks if anyone needs some coffee.

“Things are really heating up in here,” says Jason Nguyen, a visibly exhausted testing supervisor. “It’s certainly hard to keep your shirt tucked in when your testers can’t stop savagely dismembering each other and using the remains for trophies and profane sacraments. But hey, that’s the job we all signed up for. Workin’ hard or hardly workin’, right? I’m just here for the dental.”

“I understand that the turnover rate in the testing department is unusually high this year,” states human resources manager Catherine Montgomery. “Obviously, the company is not responsible for any impalement, mutilation, or dissection that occurs within our halls, as stated in the contracts signed by every employee. Working here is a privilege. Luckily, people understand this, which is why we always have a steady supply of gladia—excuse me, playtesters ready to fill the open position whenever someone… chooses to end their relationship with us.”

When asked if the constant soundscape of brutal violence and death in the background has affected office morale, one developer responds, “Oh yeah, it’s a huge boost to our productivity. Listening to them work is such an inspiration.”

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