As November passes and we’re left staring down the upcoming family feats of Thanksgiving and Christmas, one can’t help but feel robbed by their lack of ability to channel the rage from politically-charged conversations at the dinner table and comments on your private love life into tearing demons apart and using their spinal cords to impale even more demons. Alas, DOOM Eternal won’t be coming out this month as originally intended, so we’re going to have to find otherwise healthy ways to suppress our murderous rages until then. Nerfwire’s here with a couple of tips:
1. Really just kick the shit out of an old mattress
We’re sure you’ve seen one on the side of the road—a slightly brown, damp mattress that’s been sitting next to the sidewalk for a couple of days. The “Free—Please take” paper has crumpled from moisture and the elements beyond recognition. Our suggestion? Get a buddy with a truck, take that sucker to a quarry, and really just take your day out on it. The two obvious benefits here are that due to the soft nature of the mattress, you won’t hurt yourself by suplexing it into the dirt while pretending that it’s your Introduction to Statistics professor, and that mattresses don’t have feelings.
2. Get really into death metal for a few months
Amazing advancements have been made in hearing aid technology in recent years, so Nerfwire can pretty much guarantee* that the irreparable damage that Rammstein (or whatever band you wanted us to say if you don’t consider them hard enough to be death metal, you exclusive douchebag) will do to your ears.
3. Seek professional help through talk therapy or other means
Talking to somebody, especially a professional, has been destigmatized in recent years, and for good reason—everyone could use someone to talk to, especially a professional with the insights to provide everyday coping tactics that you can use to deal with your daily problems. Copays for these visits are generally around 60 dollars, however. Know what isn’t 60 dollars anymore?
4. DOOM 2016
That’s right, baby—we’re back. We understand that you may have become slightly desensitized to the brutal demon annihilation in this instant classic, so we suggest mixing in a few of the above suggestions—possibly throw on some metal while you thrash the demons of hell. Maybe invite your therapist along. The mattress can come too. Lots of possibilities.
Editor’s note: We realize that it sounds like we just suggested you fuck your therapist on the old mattress. We will not be amending the previous paragraph.