Don’t Worry, Gamers: SEGA Executives Have Almost Finished Their Mountain Of Cocaine

Stating that the copious supply of cocaine that has brought us titles from Sonic: Boom to the new Sonic the Hedgehog movie is “dwindling and finally reaching an end,” media giant SEGA has promised that a new era for the company is right around the corner.

“Look, everybody,” says SEGA press organizer Alan Brandley. “Do you have any idea how much blow you can buy with Sonic the Hedgehog 3? In 1994 money? A lot of coke. Like, relocate-to-a-bigger-office-to-fit-all-of-this-cocaine levels of coke. You ever heard of a place having cocaine on tap? That’s about a third of the cocaine you can buy with Sonic the Hedgehog 3.”

The press release goes on to claim that the executives at SEGA and many department heads don’t remember developing Sonic 3D Blast and Sonic Advance, or 1998. It appears that the Sonic team had a moment of clarity after being surprised that Sonic Adventure 2 was a sequel, having forgotten the original game published just two years earlier. During this time, SEGA published Sonic Advance 1, 2, and 3. The final of the trilogy, however, was paid for exclusively with more cocaine, leading to the release of 2005’s 3D fever dream Shadow the Hedgehog.

A montage played for the press release features the unblinking executives, surrounded by comical amounts of the highly addictive stimulant, conceptualizing Shadow the Hedgehog. “Just give him a fucking gun,” says then-CFO Bradley Westerman, seemingly talking to Yuji Naka on speakerphone. “If you ever call this number again I will find you and eat you alive. Do you understand me, Yuji? I’m on top of the world and the only God I see up here is me.”

The year of the clip is 2004. Usher’s Yeah! plays very loudly from somewhere in the office. It is the last known footage of Bradley Westerman.

An end does appear to be in sight, however: the residual cocaine payments from Sonic Advance 3 appear to be dying down, and the executives at SEGA are very nearly completely out of cocaine. As a result, fans of the Sonic franchise can expect future games to be slightly more grounded. Perhaps games will only be set in our conceptual reality and dimension from now on, as it appears Sonic & Knuckles: The Mirror Dimension has been scrapped. Shadow the Hedgehog 2: Fuck ISIS appears to still be on the table for a 2021 release, however.