Don’t Waste Our Time Reworking LoL Champions Without Making Them Way Fucking Hotter

What’s that? Didn’t see you there. I was just admiring the new Kayle and Morgana updates, which are pretty good… if you like things that suck! Riot has once again failed to deliver on the fantasy of two of their oldest champions, and I’ll tell you why: it’s because they’re not nearly sexy enough. Why does Riot insist on wasting our time reworking champions without making them way hotter?

First, let’s look at Morgana. The biggest problem should already be obvious: they covered up her stomach! Hello, Riot, anybody in there? I don’t know how they expect anyone to enjoy this take on Morgana—they seem to be going for “dark sorcerous angel” in place of the original “goth stripper” angle. When I play female characters, I need to feel something, anything. It’s easy for me to resonate emotionally with men, but with the ladies, let’s say I require a more… hands-on approach. Masturbating.

Morgana old/new comparison.
They did add a little more leg if you’re into that.

Kayle’s new design is a little more forgivable because she started at such a low sexiness baseline. She was covered in so much armor, I could hardly even tell she was a woman (I always default to assuming a character’s maleness until proven otherwise). Now she’s wearing a skintight bodysuit like a superhero or a synchronized swimmer, which is pretty good, but it doesn’t go nearly far enough. I can also see her face a bit clearer, and that’s a plus, but for Christ’s sake, it’s barely enough for me to tell whether she’s smiling or not.

Kayle old/new comparison.
Her hmm-hmms are smaller than Morgana’s. Just saying. Hmm-hmms are breasts.

I’m so sick of living in a world where SJW pandering takes precedence over sexual objectification, and I’m sick of not being able to play League of Legends with one hand. Now, one might argue that Kayle and Morgana are still plenty sexy, along with every single female character in the game excluding non-humans, children, and Quinn. One might even say that the narrow representation of women in media is indicative of a widespread societal perception of women as sexual objects which is not just confined to League of Legends. One might also say that if they removed the Nurse Akali skin from the game, playership would drop 40% overnight. It’s all about finding that balance, and that balance is full frontal nudity.

Not the dudes though. Taric, maybe.