“Oh, Jesus Christ,” says Arnold Decker, 36. “Everybody out.”
It’s the end of the annual LAN party for the Austin, Texas group of friends, and it’s over almost as soon as it’s started. “We don’t have time to wait for your non-solid-state ass to load into CS:GO, Keith. Everybody just go. Leave your pizza money on the table.”
“I don’t even see the big deal, honestly,” says Keith Shear, owner of a 7200RPM Barracuda 1TB hard drive and man who probably lives in a tent in a field somewhere. “I just haven’t felt the need to upgrade. The drive is fast enough. No one’s ever complained when we game online.”
When asked about her friend of many years’ lack of a modern-day storage device, Beth Rudger claims, “You know, we’ve been playing games with Keith for about 2 years now, and we finally invited him to the LAN party, thinking he was cool and all. But the second I heard that little magnetic disk start to turn, I look at Keith and I see him for what he really is: a homeless vagabond with twigs and shit in his hair trying to pass himself off as a gamer.”
Keith, who assumably is incapable of scrapping together 30 dollars to at least purchase a 240GB Kingston or something just for the essentials, has been excommunicated from the friend group. “Keith? What Keith?” says Rodger Palmer when asked about his friend of seven years and the best man at his wedding. “Sounds like the name of someone who lives under a overpass, or doesn’t realize that his motherboard has not one but two M.2 SSD slots.”
Keith was last seen being forcibly removed from a Best Buy, presumably after trying to pay for a Samsung 850 EVO with foraged berries and moss.
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