Desperate History Teacher Starts Giving Historical Figures KDAs

A Chittenden County, Vermont history teacher has been placed on administrative leave this week after several students complained to parents that she had been assigning historical figures “KDAs” in an attempt to appeal to her new generation of students. Nerfwire arrived in Burlington to speak with the teacher, Sasha Blessington, and look at trees.

A KDA is a statistic often used in shooters to highlight a player’s kill/death/assist ratio. When a player has more kills than deaths, they are considered to have a positive KDA, and in the opposite scenario, they are considered to have a negative KDA. If their kills far outweigh their deaths, they are considered to be “fragging”, and if they have even one more death than their kill count, they are “feeding.” Nerfwire’s research has concluded that assists do not matter.

“I first had the idea to incorporate KDAs into my curriculum when we started learning about World War II,” Blessington told us, handing our team of journalists teacups full of maple syrup. “I wanted to put the atrocities of war into a context they would understand, but all of the essays I received on the subject just described Hitler as being on a ‘killstreak,’ and the Allied forces getting a ‘shutdown’ on the Nazis.”

Many parents were not happy with this change to the curriculum, however, with those that we interviewed calling the method “reductive,” “crass,” and “illogical anyway because real life does not have a respawn mechanic so everyone would just have one death.”

Nerfwire contacted the school board after Mrs. Blessington let it slip that her own KDA is positive, and we were rewarded with leaf-shaped maple candies.

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