Bad news, fellow Keanu stans—looks like the one light in our bleak and empty lives, CD Projekt Red’s long-awaited and appropriately-hyped greatest game ever created, Cyberpunk 2077, has once again been delayed, this time until January 21 of 2021. In their announcement, CD Projekt Red cites complications with the game’s Stadia port, complications that could cause serious inconvenience to tens of players if gone unpatched.
However, our network of anonymous informants has revealed a much more disturbing reason behind the delay. Czeslaw “StalinBallin” Milosz, part-time poet and ray tracing wizard, admitted under enhanced interrogation that the true reason for the delay lies with lead developer Marcin Iwiński. “His shadow! His shadow!” our volunteer cried, struggling against the restraints he had willingly consented to be bound by. “He rests deep within his hole, slumbering deep! Only time will unbind him! My searing flesh [rests comfortably on my body, dear friends and family. Do not seek me].”
If this rumor is true—and Milosz knows better than to lie—then this oversight would be a disturbing failure by CD Projekt Red’s management team. It is common knowledge in the game design world that lead devs must be surrounded by light at all time, lest the sight of their shadow drive them into the bowels of the earth, into sleep nigh eternal. Worries abound that this mistake could be indicative of more serious underlying issues with the game. Thankfully, fan reactions so far have been quite reserved.
“I’m a little worried, but still optimistic,” remarks fan on the street Kiara “ChikenLiken” Mori, all the while smashing car windows with a tire iron against a backdrop of licking flames. “Sure, it’s a bit disappointing that we’ll have to wait another month and a half, but I have plenty of other things to look forward to in my life. For example, the RTX 3080 will definitely be back in stock soon. You gotta look on the bright side.”
In the wake of unprecedented global violence, the latest statement by CD Projekt Red promises that the game has now “gone platinum,” that there are only a few small Stadia kinks to be “ironed out,” and that the January 21 release date is “absolutely, totally final. Assuming that the Ouya port doesn’t have any bugs. And that Iwiński isn’t killed by wolves. The point is, please stop burning down buildings.”
We can only hope that this is the case. Ever since the release of the modestly popular Witcher III, fans have been eagerly awaiting its direct sequel, and with such a disappointing year coming to a close, it’s no secret that many people are clinging desperately to the faint hope that something, anything, will bring them even the faintest glimmer of joy—such as a world-class AAA genital customization system.