Cyberpunk 2077 Review: We Didn’t Love It But We Are Too Scared Of Twitter To Not Give It A High Score

The game of the decade has finally arrived! Now that the review embargo has been lifted, there is one question on everyone’s minds: is it good? It’s fine. However, we’re going to give it a nice and safe 9.5/10 because we’re too scared of what Twitter will do to us if we rate it low.

A complete success: the only game you’ll need to play for years to come

Many of you have invested all of your hopes and dreams for the past year in Cyberpunk being a life-changing experience. You obsessively refreshed r/games, searching the keyword “Keanu” to get more news about this slightly above average RPG. So if we do our journalistic duty, and tell you that it’s currently buggy at the best of times and might kill a few epileptics, you might dox us and send bags of shit to our homes. So, just to cover all of our bases:

Cyberpunk 2077 is the must-play title of 2020. A crowning achievement by CD Project Red, Cyberpunk smashes the boundaries of what we thought a video game can be. It lives up to every ambition and takes huge risks in an industry that has flatlined since the release of The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, or as we’ll be referring to it from now on, The Old Testament. 

Immersive voice acting and a thrilling story

Keanu’s voice acting is underwhelming. The man always sounds like he’s halfway to a K-hole, how can you imagine that he is going to sound exciting in a video game? About the future, and tits and guns? Anyway, forget we said anything: Keanu Reeves shines as the star of Cyberpunk 2077. He takes the magnetism and gravitas that he brought to blockbusters such as John Wick or Bill and Ted and translates it directly to the streets of Night City. You can feel every tinge of emotion in his voice, and often you forget he is only virtual. After a playthrough of Cyberpunk, I consider Keanu Reeves a personal friend. The Oscars need to be changed to nominate him for this performance.

A true-to-life futuristic open world

Night City is an open-world city, and it’s got people in it with schedules and et cetera et cetera. Because it’s an open-world game in 2020. Let’s be honest, it does this better than, say, Fallout 4 or something, but it’s hardly Skyrim In Space. With that being said, we realize how easy it is for people with time on their hands to find our exact addresses, so let’s go on the record saying that Night City is not just a game level, but an immersive masterclass in setting. Starting up Cyberpunk 2077 is akin to getting into a time machine and dropping yourself into an entirely new world, completely separate from the one you left behind. It’s a masterpiece, and a scale model should replace New York.

The main takeaway: a game without flaws

Look, the game is fun. We liked it well enough. We found ourselves bored a few times, and there are currently a million bugs, but it’s okay. We would recommend picking it up on sale, or if it’s your bag, at least pay full price in a week or two when it’s been fixed. That being said, we are terrified of what you will do to us, and our loved ones, so:

Cyberpunk 2077, in a word, is a masterpiece: gameplay and narrative locked in a captivating dance that brings us to another time and place. We will probably give it top prize during our inevitable game awards. 9.5/10, it has a little something for everyone.

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