Cyberpunk 2077: Now That I Have Your Attention, Everyone Here Loves You And Your Drinking Is Damaging Us

Breaking news for Cyberpunk 2077 fans! Now that you’re here, this is an intervention. Everyone here loves you and your drinking is hurting us as much as it’s hurting you. Please don’t be mad that I used a picture of Keanu Reeves’ digitized likeness and a catchy headline to draw you into this. That’s not the problem—your debilitating alcoholism is.

We have all prepared letters to read to you. I’ll go first. Even though life can be a struggle, and even though there are unlimited customizable options for the player character in Cyberpunk 2077, downing a bottle of whiskey at 11am every day is not a constructive way to cope. I love you, just as CD Projekt Red loves constructing complex narrative RPGs that are both immersive and challenging. You are testing that love by coming home every night and immediately passing out, vomiting, or offering speculative criticism before you’ve even played the game. Not cool.

Your mother, your sweet, dear mother, would be ashamed of you if she could see what you’ve become. You’re drinking yourself to death, and we’re pleading with you to get help with no delay. Sure, Cyberpunk 2077 had multiple delays, but that was to deliver an ultimately more satisfactory and enriched product. Your most enriched project is the human waste you leave in the bathtub at three in the morning.

I understand what you’re going through. Sometimes you just want to turn the lights off, hide away from the world and escape. Certainly you wouldn’t want to escape from the extraordinarily vibrant, atmospheric world of Cyberpunk 2077, brimming with massively realized cityscapes and believable characters, but from the real world? We’d all like to numb the pain sometimes.

Please don’t be angry with us. We all love and care about you so much, but we felt we had no choice but to surprise you, just as Cyberpunk 2077 will surprise us all with multiple superstar cameos and a core gameplay experience that will define the new generation of consoles.

Anyway, the main point is that if you keep drinking like this, we’ll never be able to afford a 3080 by November.

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