Hey, gamers: it’s the Thursday after Cyber Monday, and you know what that means: Amazon has finished delivering all the packages you ordered earlier this week, and your bank account is a laughable far shot from being enough for basic necessities for yourself, your wife, and your child until your paycheck later in the month. In a bind? You’re in the right place! Nerfwire has the tips and tricks to help you make it through the month, save your marriage, and possibly even keep custody.
1. Ask family for help
We know you already did this at Thanksgiving, and that everyone kept on asking you to stop drinking so that you could sober up and drive home as soon as possible, but that was then and this is now! It’s the season to be giving. Maybe you can work something out with your nephew in exchange for your old, outdated VR headset that you bought in September.
2. Considerably increase the advertising presence on your gaming satire website
Just a reminder that when push comes to shove, a page titled “Red Dead Redemption 2 Free Steam Keys” that has 44 ad slots in the body and no actual content counts as an article too. Reminder: if you’re begging your community to click as many ads as possible, do it off of the site so that Google doesn’t find out.
3. Put your house up on Airbnb and hide your family in the attic
As a bonus, it might just be you up there, as your wife has most likely already gone to stay with her mother for a little while by this stage. Too bad your dad turned your old room into an office. That being said, we all know where this is going, so why don’t you just do what we all do every year?
4. Hold an Amazon employee ransom until Amazon refunds your packages, then move to Connecticut
This is a win-win for everybody, as hostage situations count as much-needed paid leave for Amazon employees, and very small, select parts of the northeast side of Connecticut are pretty nice. The added bonus is that if you’re able to cross state lines without incident and officially change your name and legal address, you can still shop on Amazon for another year until next Cyber Monday, or until the global megacorporation finally mobilizes their Prime kill squads to hunt you down using the IMEI of the new phone that you just signed for.