Just when you thought that the cheating, hot sauce-slinging, hair-dying antagonist of video gaming couldn’t get any worse, Nerfwire has just received a report that Billy Mitchell consistently brings ditch weed to the party. Our sources tell us that at every single get-together, soiree, or hootenanny Mitchell attends, he brings the filthiest of mids.
“Are we even sure this is weed?” said Steve Wiebe, while looking at the gross, brown, somehow-dry-and-damp-at-the-same-time ganja Mitchell brought to the party. “It smells like fertilizer. Weed is supposed to stink, but not like this. I suppose I might be able to get high if I smoke a whole lot of it. Billy probably swapped out someone’s primo kush for his ditch weed; we know he’s good at doing that kind of shit. For legal purposes, I’d like to disclaim that I do not say this in relation to any current or past allegations against Mitchell.”
While Mitchell brought only the “brownest nug clumps you ever saw,” he made a point to smoke tremendous amounts of other people’s chronic, while insisting that his shit would get people higher than the twin galaxies.
“Trust me, it’s the best,” said professional liar and charlatan Billy Mitchell as he packed a bowl full of someone else’s OG loud. “I like to put a little bit of my terrible hot sauce on there too, because it really brings out the flavor in my weed. Where did I buy it? I got a great deal, an ounce for sixty-five bucks, can you believe it? I knew I had to roll up to Wiebe’s with this shit for the weekly smoke fest—show everyone what real giggle bush looks like. I’m really doing everyone else a favor by smoking this garbage and leaving the good stuff I brought for them. Soon I’ll—” Unfortunately Mitchell was cut off by another partygoer vomiting after trying to use Mitchell’s dirt/weed hybrid in a gravity bong, at which point Mitchell realized we weren’t making a documentary and walked away.
At press time, Twin Galaxies officials were awarding Mitchell the superlative of “Skunkiest Hooter at the Party,” possibly as a result of a hushed but serious conversation had between Mitchell, Twin Galaxies, and a legal representative that Mitchell had insisted was “just his friend.” Mitchell was not available for comment as he was traveling out of town to Little Rock, Arkansas to procure what experts call “some seriously bunk green.”