Coming To Terms With Being Straight But Wanting To Bang Every Character In Hades

It’s the 21st century. Despite society being more progressive than ever, plenty of gamers have expressed concern towards their attraction for the muscle-bound Hellenic hunks of Supergiant’s Hades. Rest assured, Nerfwire is here once again to help you wade through the tricky seas of sexuality and reaffirm your straightness in lieu of your confusing male video game crushes. 

First off, it’s completely normal to be attracted to deities of any sort. Sure, Thanatos ostensibly has a penis, and we can’t stop thinking about it, but he is also the physical embodiment of death. Even if you’ve never cast another longing glance at another man, and you never would, you have to admit that’s hot. Don’t limit yourself to mortal conceptions of sexuality. These lovely lads come from a higher plane of existence than our own, and I’ll bet they know how to treat a man.

Furthermore, Hades is an action-packed, violent game. There’s nothing more masculine than playing a game in which you are beating the hell out of some demons! Zagreus is fighting a war against Hades, and there’s no room for gayness in war (just look at the navy)! It’s just like how we’ve all got a secret, forbidden crush on our other favorite demon-massacring hunk, Doomguy.

Finally, you shouldn’t fret about your fragile straightness for being attracted to the characters in Hades. In case you have forgotten, it’s impossible to be gay with 2D characters. Even the straightest men in existence sometimes bust fat nuts to yaoi from time to time, and that’s something I’m willing to admit as long as the rest of us admit it at the same time.

If you are concerned that you may be gay or at least bisexual because you want Lord Hades to pound your tight gamer boy-pussy, then download Grindr and fuck a few dudes. Or, just binge all of that Aphrodite rule 34 you’ve got bookmarked.

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