As we’re sure you know, the popular online multiplayer game Club Penguin shut down in March of 2017—and the country mourns. There was a great amount of mystery surrounding the announcement of the sudden shutdown. This was met with a great amount of sadness and pain from the game’s main demographics, children ages 9-12, as well as YouTubers making extremely original videos of themselves getting banned. No one seemed to question it, seemingly accepting the announcement as if they all saw it coming, and the mystery seemed to disappear into the ether.
Yesterday, Mark Wallace from Pleasant View, Utah, who wishes to remain anonymous, came forward and told the authorities the horrifying truth. Club Penguin, the innocent, community-focused game about penguins living together and having fun, was host to one of the largest and most notorious underground drug rings to ever tube-slide its way into the internet.
“It wasn’t easy to crack their code when I first stumbled upon them.” Said our anonymous source Mark Wallace, the father of Marie and Dennis Wallace, who never had any interest whatsoever in the penguin MMO. “The [Club Penguin] censors are so sensitive. Their words were so seemingly innocent, it was impossible to know what was going on. When someone asks you if you want to ‘Go Cart Surfing with their Puffle’ it’s not what you think it is,” Wallace claimed, dramatically narrowing his eyes as if he had said something of consequence.
When asked what that could have meant, Mark just shrugged, “Fuck if I know. Something about drugs for sure.” Wallace went on to inform us that meetings took place in what was referred to as the “Dank District,” which actually turned out to just be the pizza shop.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, according to Wallace. Authorities are looking into the situation, searching for anyone connected, and if it could have possibly bled over into the sequel Club Penguin Island, a 3D successor to the popular online game, which suspiciously now advertises itself as “100% drug-free.” Absolutely zero related evidence has been uncovered, leading authorities to begin to doubt the credibility of our brown-haired, blue-eyed, five-foot-nine anonymous source, Mark Tyler Wallace.
It’s yet to be seen if the perpetrators of this crime will be brought to justice. All we know for certain is that we’re gonna need to start buying our weed on EVE Online.