Cloud9 Is Going To Win Playoffs And Other Obvious Shit This Time Traveler Told Us

“Somebody better start writing some of this shit down,” hollers Jefferey Morbaker, 34-year-old time traveler and khaki shorts wearer, as he stumbles into the Nerfwire headquarters in sunny LA. “I’ve come from the future, and I bring warnings, information, and advice. Don’t believe me? Well, guess what: C9 is about to win the spring split playoffs.”

Morbaker is brought past the lobby area and into a private study that is generally reserved for door-to-door salespeople, potential interviewees, time travelers, and people who need a private place to cry. “I’ve got more. You don’t believe me?” he asks.

Upon being told that Cloud9 are by far the favorites to win this year’s playoffs, Morbaker ups the ante: “Yeah? Well, Team Liquid sort of gets it together, but no matter how many changes they make they can’t make up for the lost momentum, and they settle somewhere in the middle of the pack, and the whole thing boils down to Cloud9, Flyquest, and TSM duking it out into the year. Also, Steam does a special coronavirus sale to benefit healthcare workers, and, and… Cyberpunk 2077 is a pretty decent game but the now immense competition it has for single-player RPGs compared to the landscape when The Witcher released, it kind of pales in comparison and ultimately doesn’t live up to the hype.”

Morbaker is asked the standard interview questions asked of all time travelers: this week’s lottery numbers, what’s the deal, can you go back in time further or is this just a one-time thing, can you go find out who really killed Robert F. Kennedy because Sirhan Sirhan is just too easy, and do hoverboards make it much further or do they get kind of an ironic resurgence?

He has no answers for any of these questions, but does tell us “The PS5 is really good and boxes out the Xbox even more because they just don’t have the exclusives to compete.”

When asked what was going to come of this, the 2020 election year, Morbaker was quiet for a moment before saying, “Yeah, guys, I’ve gotta get out of here.”

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