City Of Detroit Becomes Actual Human

After hearing about it so much online, Nerfwire has decided to cover a recent phenomenon in which the city of Detroit spontaneously manifested into an actual human being. We reached out to the city, who seems to be going by the name “David Cage,” for the following interview. While the spiritual, social, and political implications of this event cannot be understated, we feel that it’s vitally important to point out that this new being is, in fact, a complete douche.

When asked to comment on Detroit’s financial and social crisis, the city(?) responded, “Well, what’s intriguing isn’t the attempt, yes, attempt, to enable real player agency: rather, the true ambiguity, or rather, quasi-metatextual lack of ambiguity, can be found in both thematic and neo-cultural allusions made throughout the narrative.” It seems instead of answering our question, the city was instead talking about some new video game about androids or something.

Contrary to popular belief, the blasted, barren wasteland that the city-person currently resides in was in no way altered by the blinding flash of white light accompanying the spontaneous anthropomorphization: if anything, it seems to have freshened up some of the graffiti.

The city, which has taken the form of a French, half-bald bearded man, has been observed running up to passersby and attempting to engage them in a dialogue about the nature of consciousness, offering multiple “choices,” and making heavy-handed racial allegories. When confronted about this behavior, the city insisted that everyone else “didn’t understand the vision,” and went on a rant about how it has affected mass culture by producing interactive stories that puzzle the mind and pull on heartstrings. We imagine the city must have been talking about Robocop, which is based in Detroit.

While we do need to commend the city of Detroit on his commitment to making choices feel relevant, the city is mostly held back by a lack of employment opportunities, poor infrastructure, and what seems to be a weird anti-woman thing. Hopefully, when each individual part of the city is slowly replaced and improved, the resulting entity will be less of a pretentious bastard.

All in all, we give Detroit, the city, an eight out of ten. It has a little something for everyone!