“We need to pry open the Firmament or else the Other will storm Novagrad and destroy the Carmentians.” These words would go on to have great emotional impact and meaning to the players of Dark Embrace 2: Revenge, but the celebrity actor delivering the lines was utterly befuddled by them.
“What the hell am I saying?” asked seventy-three-year-old superstar actor Samuel L. Jackson, who portrays Supreme Commander Tybalt. “At least in my typical Marvel shlock I know where I’m coming from, but with this, I’m completely lost. I get that this nerd shit sells big, but who can keep up with these stupid alien names I keep having to say? I knew Ron Perlman was full of it when he said this was an easy gig.”
The actor was given the chance to earn a million dollars in two days recording lines off of an Excel spreadsheet for the smash-hit game series, joining a cast of other befuddled actors including Gary Oldman, Tom Cruise, Jane Lynch, Steve Buscemi, Cate Blanchett, and a surprisingly confused Finn Wolfhard.
“Yes, please insert your memory stick into my USB-V port,” Meryl Streep said unerotically into the microphone. “Wait, is this a sex scene? How was I supposed to know that? None of these lines make sense to me. You had me record three pages of dialogue about unlocking a key to a door in space, and now suddenly I’m fucking a robot? At least on Ricki and the Flash, I knew who I was fucking. It was Kevin Kline, and it was mediocre at best.”
At press time, Gary Sinise was on his fifteenth take of a monolog explaining how to use the weapon shop before he eventually gave up and left.