Panic set in today at the CD Projekt Red offices after the Polish company realized that people are actually gonna pay for this thing and they’re going to have to put out a product of some kind. “Put out another somber Twitter photo that makes it seem like none of these people have gone home in weeks,” says social media director Tanin Huang, looking out past the sick pillow fort he and his fellow developers had been building since April. Shouting can be heard through the wall; the executive committee is meeting next door.
“Dammit, we are so screwed!” says CD Projekt Red CEO Marcin Iwiński as he frantically paces around the room. “We’re going to have to pull an all-nighter, there’s no way we can ask for another extension. You just always think you have time and it creeps up on you. Fuck, we started The Witcher 3, like, weeks before this point.”
Nerfwire navigates through an incredibly impressive blanket fort to the CEO’s office, where they are met with a hungover Adam Kiciński, wearing a sweatshirt backwards.
“We pushed it back from April, so we thought we had time to start a competitive office Rocket League tournament, and things just kind of escalated from there,” says Kiciński. “Around August, I was like, ‘Hey man, maybe we should get to work on this,’ but then we found all these fucking pillows and blankets, and we’re like, what, we’re going to start on a Thursday? And then it’s been a blur until this exact moment. Why are you writing this down?”
Anonymous sources within CD Projekt Red told Nerfwire that the two CEOs were not pulling their weight in expanding the pillow fort, and that many requests for more pillows had gone unanswered.
“They do nothing but giggle and prank call Keanu Reeves,” says one anonymous source, character artist Natalie Plostyz. “We do all the work, and when they inevitably don’t help at all, they yell at us and make us work late to make up for it.”
When asked if she was referring to CDPR’s famous, grueling crunch period before release, Plostyz replied, “What? No, I’m still talking about the pillow fort thing.”